Happy Birthday – to all of me.

I have another Birthday tomorrow. I will be 51 years old.
As I look in the mirror I can see that I have aged but inside I feel like time has stood still, even though life has gifted me with experiences and situations, good and bad.

At primary school I was unaware that there was a time before or even the possibility of a time afterwards. I knew somehow that time was now and nothing else mattered. I was a little girl who was quite afraid of everything.
What had I experienced at that young age to make me afraid?

Of course if I analyse it now as an adult with more knowledge, especially of psychology and of observing children at that age in my role as a teaching assistant, I would have an explanation. I could describe how at that age I was already aware that life was not safe as I felt my mum’s fear and apprehension about an insecure life in an unhappy marriage.

I could also explain it in terms of the chakra system which is talking about energy and how we are energetic beings who are affected by everything around us energetically, not just emotionally, mentally or physically.There are seven basic chakras which are spinning energy vortices that correspond to seven areas of our body. Each of these affect different organs in our body.

The first chakra is connected to the base of our body which includes our skeleton. It is developed in the first years of our life, it corresponds to stability, security within our group, for instance our family. So if our family environment is not ‘safe’ then our base chakra will be out of balance. We may have leg issues, large intestine issues, blood issues, skin and also emotionally we may be feeling ungrounded.

The next age I can see myself stuck is as a 20 year old. I had the world at my feet I was embarking on a life of my choice. I was going to study psychology and follow my passion in understanding the mind and helping myself and others with that knowledge.

I was presented with a choice, I was not fully aware of that choice at the time. I thought I was just going back home and would return to my studies after the holidays, but instead I was catapulted back into a pattern that I had been imprinted with as a child- fear, guilt, insecurity. I latched onto a perceived safe option and stayed put whilst beginning a life as a couple.

What had happened to my dreams?
They seemed insignificant. I realised that as I let them go, I let go of parts of myself. It almost felt that I was split, that the part of me that had the dream to study had stayed in another realm and the shadow of myself continued another life…a life which was missing an important part of me. Of course now I understand that it was never just about the studying. It was about following your passion, of being happy doing what you feel is right for you.

I am 51 tomorrow and I have picked up where I thought I had left myself at 20 and I am studying a psychology degree. The passion is still there, the reasons are similar; to help myself and others, but now it is more about tying loose ends.

What about that little 5 year old girl who was frightened and had decided that life was not safe?
She needs my love. She needs to know that I am there for her. She needs to know that even if life gets scary, life is also full of beautiful possibilities.
Happy Birthday to all of me ❤

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